The Devil is in the Detox


Oh Lord, what a week!!! Having realised that the stark choice was between going back to the gym or purchasing a whole new wardrobe, mostly of clothes with elasticated waistbands, I opted, somewhat begrudgingly, for the former. But where normal people ease themselves out of the sloth zone, I am more an all or nothing kind of gal. So when the instructor of my new fitness class mentioned some of the group were undertaking a 30 day “shred it” programme, I was all in.

The details remain vague (I think she is trying not to scare us off) but the instructions for Phase 1, which is Day 1-10, were 3 fitness sessions a week and a diet that excluded gluten, dairy, processed foods, alcohol and caffeine.

Now I love a crusty loaf with a huge bowl of pasta more than many people love their spouse – but I can do 10 days without Spag Bol. Cheese would be my desert island food of choice, but I can forego it for a couple of weeks with only moderate cravings. I am a cook from scratch chick so the ban on processed food doesn’t phase me too much (although there are occasions where I would smother my mother for a packet of Hunky Dorys – sorry mum). I admit that the wine on the weekend is a bigger, but not insurmountable challenge… but Sweet Baby Jesus the coffee!!!!!


The coffee detox would have been a legitimate torture technique for a CIA interrogator to have adopted in Guantanamo Bay. No joke, it was sadistic!!!!  It had not been 12 hours when the headache struck. It was like a dull migraine hammering away steadily on the inside of my skull. And it persisted for almost 3 days. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there was bouts of feeling faint and lightheaded and the most extreme exhaustion known to man. I mean asleep at 8.30pm kind of tiredness. Now despite being accused by my favourite coffee addict of potentially being a “hypochondriac”, I am generally quite the opposite. In fact I suffer on rather stoically through most illnesses, but this was on another level. Curled up in a ball of pain, irritability and exhaustion on day 2, I found myself frantically googling brain hemorrhage and stroke symptoms…. because surely, this slow death could not be inflicted solely by my beloved coffee? Turns out it could – and my symptoms were textbook – I can now cite several medical journals to support the fact that coffee withdrawal feels like a slow painful death but passes somewhere between day 3 and day 9- cold comfort but at least I might live to write the blog post. And my physical withdrawals did, to be fair, pass in 3 days – unfortunately my psychological withdrawals remain a work in progress. I REALLY want a coffee!!! Today at lunch, I asked my husband could I just sniff his espresso for a minute. And I did it… I closed my eyes and inhaled longingly – Lord it was heavenly and maybe just a bit weird. But I  just miss it, I miss it so much and absence is only making this heart grow fonder. But can I forgive it? I mean for three days there it really, really hurt me. So now we are at the make or break crossroads. We either have to struggle on through this acrimonious divorce or recommit until actual death finally parts us – because if I go back there I can never walk away again. The pain was just too much!!!


Now having survived, the rest should be plain sailing right? Not so, my friends. Remember the devil clearly invented the detox. First there is the drinking all the bloody water to deal with. A few sips a day for survival I was always on board with – but 3 litres!!!!!! Where do the super hydrated among you find time to work? The amount of time it takes is shocking. Seriously, I think I need to job share if I am to make time for 3 litres of water per day. And when your muscles are crying for mercy after a tough circuit session the night before, do you know how cruel it is to have to pee 27 times???? But I am doing my best to literally flush those toxins away. And unfortunately not just through the hydration plan…


As if I hadn’t suffered enough, my digestive system decided all the good, pure living was a little too shocking and totally turned on me yesterday morning. We will leave the grim details at the fact that I had all the symptoms of food poisoning – despite a week of not being within an asses roar of a toxin. The detox fairy from the underworld has a healthy sense of irony.

But this too passed and today I feel great. Less tired, skin definitely more glowing and zero bloating. Clearly in 30 days I will have the body of a supermodel!!!!! The problem is I will want to celebrate that with a garlic cheese chips and so the circle keeps on turning xo




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